


The accident Dee's glad she didn't flush out

by Lordoflesamis



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: CharDee - Freeform, Hook-up to dating, Multi, Pregnancy, Secret Relationship, Trash people getting happy endings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-05
Updated: 2018-09-06
Packaged: 2019-02-10 23:15:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12922290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lordoflesamis/pseuds/Lordoflesamis
Summary: Dee and Charlie have been dating in secret for about two months now- about as long as it's been since Dee got her period... An accidental pregnancy might just be the best thing that's happened to these people- but how do they tell the gang?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I watched all 12 seasons of it's always sunny in a week. I regret nothing. I also feel only slight shame for this ship and for giving these people a happy ending they absolutely don't deserve.

“I’m telling you girl, my time of the month has never been so sexy,” Artemis said, persisting with the conversation despite Dee’s grimace and obvious revolted body language. 

“Artemis,” she began, putting her coffee down on the table slowly, “Why in hell would I want to hear about you having sex with Fra-“

“Deandra.” Artemis’ hands were on hers suddenly.

“No- no what’re you doing?”

“I’m going to tell you something that will Blow. Your. Mind.” 

Dee sighed, glancing around the coffeeshop for some kind of salvation. When she found none she slowly returned her gaze to meet Artemis’ intense- and suddenly very close- face. 

“The next time mama nature brings you that Gift, ask yo’ man to go down on you.”

“I don’t have a man,” Dee said, whipping her hands from her friends’, “And I don’t want to be having this conversation with you, not now not ever.” She stood, downing the rest of her coffee, “I’m… I’m gonna go Artemis I’m late for work.” 

“Don’t lie to me!” Artemis called- Dee pretended not to hear.

/// 

“I was busy, okay Frank?” Charlie half-yelled, raising his arms in the air to demonstrate his frustration. 

“You’ve been busy an awful lot lately,” Frank accused- though he wasn’t entirely sure what exactly it was he was accusing Charlie of, and following him into the pub, “And out a lot of nights until morning. Now what’s going on? You’re not hiding in the Waitress’ vents again are ya?”

Charlie flushed red, surprising Frank and Dennis and Mac, who had begun to take a vague interest in the pair’s conversation, “What? No! of course not! I told you I’m over her.”

After his brief relationship with the Waitress; and the glimpse into the future that would land him in, Charlie had been quite put off the woman altogether- and they were both living separate, much healthier lives. The rest of the gang were happy for him- though none of them quite trusted that he’d moved on from her.

Except Dee, of course. Who was dating him. 

NOT that any of the others knew that or would ever know, hopefully. The last thing either of them wanted was for the gang to find out- Dee because she was afraid Dennis would sabotage it, Charlie because he didn’t want to be belittled about something that was important to him, and because he didn’t want Dennis to skin him if he and Dee argued. Also- both were a little ashamed, and a little hesitant- they both wanted it to go well. They had been hooking up for years- since their little slip up after their Def Poetry excitement- but the whole dating thing was fairly new. 

“Whatever man,” Mac said, turning on his stool, “You getting over the waitress is impossible.”

“He’s right, Charlie, you’ve been obsessed with that chick for more than a decade.” Dennis said, nodding to agree with himself, leaning back against the bar, “I’d be surprised that all it takes is some cold feet to stop that kind of infatuation.” 

“Sup nerds,” Dee’s voice stopped whatever high-pitched protest Charlie was about to emit, but the rest of the gang ignored her. 

“I think you’re lying to yourself, dude.” Mac said, taking a sip of his beer.

“More like lying to me.” Frank said, glaring at his roommate who made a low exasperated sound before heading into the back office.

“Whatever, man. I’m going to get to work.” 

Frank sighed and took up a stool beside Dennis, who had swivelled round to face his sister but still paid her very little attention as she served herself a pint and refilled his and Mac’s. 

“He’s been acting funny. I’m tellin’ ya, there’s something wrong with Charlie.” 

Dee blinked, then smiled, “Wait catch me up what’s wrong with Charlie?”

“He keeps going out and not coming back until morning. I’d say he was banging some broad but it’s been going on for weeks now, it was almost every day this week.”

“So he’s seeing someone?” Dee asked, “What’s so unbelievable?”

“Charlie?” Dennis asked, laughing- Mac joining him as per usual, “Seeing someone? Someone normal? That’s ridiculous- no something is,” he gestured to Frank, “As you say going on. And its quite simple.” 

“hm?” Dee asked, trying to ignore the surge of nerves that sprung in her chest.

Dennis smirked, enjoying the expectant looks of the rest of the room, “Charlie is a prostitute.”

“What? No!” she laughed.

“No no wait hold on Deandra.” Frank said, shifting closer to Dennis, “Your brother could be on to something here.”

“Who would hire Charlie to sleep with them?” Mac asked, then grimaced, “Oh god I bet there’s some real sketchy people in that line of work.”

“Oh yeah sex workers have an incredibly dangerous job, Mac.” Dennis said, pleasant voice not matching the conversation, “It’s a bad bad world to be a prostitute. Which is sad because it’s the world’s oldest profession.”

Mac nodded as if gospel was being spoken to him, “Hey maybe we should do something to make the streets safer for people like Charlie.”

“Yes, we could find a small group of these workers and… protect them.” Dennis shrugged.

“Like pimps,” Dee reasoned, leaning on her elbow to look at her brother patronisingly. 

“That son of a bitch is selling himself without my help and refusing to give me a cut.” Frank said, snapping the others out of their ludicrous discussion. He hopped down from the stool and hurried into the back office, shouting for Charlie to tell him the truth. 

Dee felt a strange sense of calm wash over her as Dennis and Mac got up to pursue becoming pimps, and she began to wash the large pile of empty glasses left from Dennis’ shift as bartender the night before, humming to herself. Her mind began to wander to her coffee date with Artemis that morning, and the disgusting way that woman presented herself. ‘I have no idea how she can be so open about having sex with that troll of a man’ she thought, putting the glasses away and taking a large glug of her beer, ‘let alone when she’s on her period. Christ when I’m on MY period I don’t want anyone to touch me at-‘ 

A sudden, very concerning memory had popped up in her head. It was about a month and a half ago, when she and Charlie had first began to ‘date’ rather than hook up. They’d gone out dancing- if you could call the way that either of them moved their bodies dancing- and had found themselves in Dee’s apartment, kissing uncharacteristically gently and sitting curled up on her sofa. He’d tried to move towards something more- and she’d wanted to- but had been stopped by the sudden arrival of mother fucking nature. He’d spent the night anyway, and she’d made him breakfast in the morning. In Dee’s world, they may as well have been married. 

But that was about a month and a half ago. And they’d been having regular sex lately. Shaking slightly, she put the glass down and hurried out, calling to Charlie and Frank- who were arguing loudly about prostitution in the office, that she’d see them later. 

///

“Oh, Dee.” The woman behind the counter took a few steps back, “How can I help you.”

“Do I know you?” Dee asked, then ignored the explanation offered, “Hey can you just get me a pack of pregnancy tests and a stick of gum please.”

“Dee?” came a friendly voice behind her, and Dee jumped, and turned angrily to see Carmen standing with her toddler on her hip, grinning amicably.

“Oh! Carmen!” she greeted, hugging the other woman, “Hey!”

“Your pregnancy tests, ma’am.” Said a new employee- apparently you forget who someone who’s met you twelve times is and they dislike you or something, and Dee took them, paying with Frank’s card. 

“Pregnancy tests?” Carmen asked, “Are you surrogating again?”

“Oh” Dee said, “uhhhh yeah! Trying to anyway. Gay couple. Lesbians actually.”

“Wow you are such a generous woman,” Carmen put her hand on Dee’s arm, “The world needs more people like you.” 

The baby- which Dee carried for nine months, she thought suddenly- began to fuss, and Carmen pulled a face, “Well anyway- good luck with that. I’d better get this little rascal home.”

“Yeah, yeah. Bye.” Dee sighed, thankful that interaction was over. 

///

Charlie sung when he cooked. Making music and making food were two of his favourite things to do- and since Dee had given him her door-key- with strict instructions to not let anybody else in, and that she’d see him later- he had access to an actual kitchen, and a fridge full of ingredients. He had been planning on having her over to theirs, make grilled Charlies for everyone, just to avoid suspicion, but something had made him convince her to change this, to be alone with her. 

“This thing,” he sung, “called love- I just can’t handle it- this thing: called love-“ chopping carrots, he twirled on his heels then tossed them into the pan. He was making a kind of paella- Dee had lots of cooking books with pictures, and despite his flaws, cooking came sort of naturally to him. Dee liked this recipe, it seemed- the corner of the page was turned down. Or maybe she’d meant to have made it and hadn’t gotten round to it. Either way- she’d be happy. 

There was a knock on the door. Charlie patted his jeans down and sorted his hair, and without thinking opened the door. 

Dennis looked surprised to see him. Charlie shut the door. “Shit.”

///

Dee swallowed nervously, dread filling the pit of her stomach as she crouched above the toilet seat in Paddy’s, praying to any kind of higher power she could think of. Two lines slowly began to fade into view, and she groaned, throwing her head back to stare at the mould on the ceiling. “Goddammit.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey Everyone! So sorry about how long this took! But to celebrate season 13 coming out (Which I can't watch because i'm stupidly english!) here's another chapter! I love this pairing and i'm really excited for this fic!

The last thing Dee wanted to see when she got home was her brother, his gay best friend and their sad excuse for a father figure on her sofa. Charlie- the only one of them she’d usually want to see but today made a small lump of anxiety burst in her throat making her want to gag- was standing awkwardly in the kitchen beside something which smelt delicious. OUR DINNER she thought, groaning and closing the door behind her.

“What are you all doing in my house?”

“Good question,” Dennis said, standing as he noticed her, “Charlie?”

Charlie smiled nervously at her, making a small “uhhhhh???” noise between his teeth before turning to Dennis in mock confidence, “A party. A dinner one.” 

“What?” Dennis and Dee asked in sync, and he nodded, wringing his hands together, apologetically looking at his girlfriend, whose face was unreadable other than confusion.

“Er yeah Dee’s hosting a dinner party for us.”

“But you did the cooking,” Mac said, though he looked mildly delighted at the idea of a dinner party, “And me and Dennis didn’t bring you anything.”

“What do-“ Dennis’ train of thought was interrupted, “Why would WE bring something, Mac?”

Mac shrugged, smiling warmly, seemingly unaware of Dennis’ disdain. Dennis shook his head, turning to Dee, “And why did we not receive invitations to this dinner party, Dee?” 

Dee groaned, “I didn’t invite anyone, this isn’t a dinner party, Charlie was confused. I said I was having the GIRLS over for a dinner party, he must’ve heard GUYS or something dumb like that.”

Frank frowned, smiling like he was on to something, “Artemis didn’t mention a dinner party tonight. We’re still meeting for our 9pm dumpster session,” he waggled his eyebrows suggestively, and Dee groaned.

“Ew, Frank, Gross.” She grabbed the plates of paella back from the men- including Mac who was halfway through a mouthful of it- and slammed them on her kitchen, “Artemis isn’t coming now GET OUT OF MY HOUSE.” 

“I’ll tell her you don’t think she’s worth your fancy foreign food,” Frank said as he, along with Mac, Dennis and, rather reluctantly, Charlie, were pushed out her door. 

She slammed it, despite the protests and name-calling, and went to get herself a drink- and a generous portion of paella. “Eating for two again,” she muttered, then shook her head, “You don’t KNOW that Dee. You should just go get it dealt with tomorrow, then you don’t HAVE to know.” 

She’d been sat down for about half an hour (and eaten three portions of Paella) when there was a knock on the door, and a small voice said, “Dee?”   
“Charlie.” She said, sounding much less angry than she’d have liked, relief at the sound of his voice rushing through her like a wave, and she opened the door. 

Charlie’s face was sheepish, guilty, and a little drunk. Dee rolled her eyes and gestured for him to come inside, quickly checking the hall for any hiding nuisances like her brother before shutting and locking the door behind him. 

His arms were suddenly around her waist, head slumping into her collarbone, a little sigh sounding from him. “I’m sorry, Dee.”

Dee melted, hands in his hair, “That’s alright, Charlie. Come have some dinner.”

They sat on the sofa for a while, watching TV, her legs across his lap while he ate, chatting languidly, and Dee became slightly overwhelmed at how content she felt. Her instinct was to pick a fight, but suddenly Charlie’s eyes met hers, and his facial expression was unbelievably soft.

“I’m sorry, Dee. For earlier.”

Dee swallowed some of her beer, “You’ve said that already, Charlie.”

“No, No I’m sorry because-“ Charlie’s eyes fell to his lap (or her jeans, depending), “Because you don’t want anyone to know and they almost did.”

Dee felt a twinge in her chest, and she sat up, hands on his now, battling the nausea she felt at what she was about to say, “I… what if they did know, Charlie?”

Charlie paused, and then swallowed, and put down his bowl of food. His hand absent-mindedly stroked her calf. When he did speak, finally, his voice was as soft as his expression, “I didn’t know you wanted that.”

Dee scrunched up her face. In all honesty, she didn’t know what she wanted right now. She didn’t want anything that was happening with this stupid bab- beer. She was drinking beer. “Shit” she muttered, and put it down.

Charlie had, luckily, somehow got distracted and hadn’t noticed she had stopped drinking. “So I saw a cat riding a dog today-“ he said, before her emotions surged through her and she kissed him.

“Shut up, Charlie,” she said, fondly, and continued kissing his stupid face. 

////

“No no no come on man! I don’t want to think about my SISTER hiring CHARLIE to sleep with, okay?” Dennis had been screaming incoherently for a few minutes now, and he wasn’t sure either of his companions were listening. It was starting to infuriate him. “That’s not what’s happening.”

“It is what’s happening, Dennis!” Frank said, “I’m tellin’ ya. If that boy’s a prostitute Deandra is exactly the kinda bitch who would hire him!”

Mac raised an eyebrow in an attempt to look wise, or at least thoughtful, as he looked at Dennis, who seethed.

“Listen I don’t really care about what Dee does, Frank. But Charlie would never sink that low, surely! And after he’s just getting over the waitress- what kind of person would do that to a poor person like Charlie?”

///

Lying in her bed, Charlie looked much nicer than in his home. Scruffy, yes, decidedly so, but his clothes at least were clean, and the pyjamas she’d bought for him were soft, warm and loose fitting. Dee curled her fingers in the cotton over his belly and sighed, nuzzling into the crook of his neck and inhaling beer and aftershave- Charlie always made an effort in that respect when he came to see her. 

The moment of peace was, as all of her moments of peace seemed to be, interrupted by a knock on the door. “God damn itttt” she whined, “Nooooooo”. Maybe if I lie here, she thought, it’ll go away.

The knocking came again, only much more insistent.

“Oh God Dammit!” she half-yelled, causing Charlie to blink awake and turn to her, “Dee? Wha- What’s wrong?”

Dee paused, fury dissolving as she looked down at his face. His stupid expression was suddenly so goddamn endearing. “It’s… It’s nothing at all, Charlie.” She said, more than aware that her voice had gone pathetically soft. 

She folded herself back into bed, letting out a breath and with it some tension in her neck she hadn’t noticed until now. “Go back to sleep” Charlie said, a little irritated, mouth muffled by the pillow he had smashed his face into. 

“Okay Charlie, I’m sorry.” She said, and it dawned on her that she meant it. 

She suddenly felt very very sick.

////

 

“Dee where is your computer?? Dee!” Dennis’ voice awoke Charlie from the nicest night sleep he’d ever had, and he couldn’t think of a worse sound to ruin it. 

“Aaw man,” he muttered, nuzzling into Dee’s neck, “I do NOT want to deal with Dennis right now.” 

Dee would like to think she’d awoken with fluttering eyes and a gentle smile like in a movie, with the sunlight hitting her face just right that he’d swoon over how gorgeous she could look, even in a moment like this. In reality, she gave one final snore and snapped awake with a gasp, drool dried around her lips and sticking some of her hair to her face. 

“Charlie I’m sorry I’ve gotta get up now, okay?” she managed, once she’d realised the situation, “You go back to sleep.”

“I wish Dennis could leave us alone.” He murmured, holding her arm as she knelt up from where she’d been curled behind him, “And then we could sleep forever and ever.”

“You’re stupid.”

“You’re beautiful.” 

Dee swallowed hard. For a moment she thought she might cry. For another moment she thought she might hit him, purely on instinct. She leapt out of bed and grabbed her dressing gown, hurrying to her front door without even glancing behind her. 

Charlie wondered, briefly, if he’d fucked up. “Shit.” He muttered, and sat up, scrambling for his clothes. 

“Dennis I swear to god I will kill you,” Dee said, ripping open the front door.

“Dee I have been outside for hours, HOURS DEE!” Dennis yelled, walking past his sister into her apartment with the look of a deranged man, “What were you doing that was so goddamn important that you couldn’t let me into your apartment?”

“I-I I was busy!”

“Busy??” Dennis half-yelled, then his face dropped from confusion to pure anger, “Were you hiring Charlie, Dee?”

Dee was suddenly genuinely confused, “Wait, doing what with Charlie?”

“I bet he’s in the bedroom crying right now isn’t he? You humiliated him Dee! Humiliated the man!” 

He started to march towards the bedroom. “N-no Dennis wait d-“

Dennis pulled open the double doors to her bedroom, revealing a messed up, empty bed. Both Dee and Dennis stared in shock at the room, but Dee managed to control her face in time for her twin to turn around to narrow his eyes at her. 

“So you weren’t paying Charlie to have sex with you so he can try and get over the waitress and you can pretend that someone even likes you enough to have sex with you?!” 

“What? No I was not hiring Charlie as a prostitute what is wrong with you?” She yelled, hoping she didn’t sound overly defensive, “Now get the hell out of my house!”

“Dee,” Dennis said, “Something is going on. And Zeus be my witness, I will UNCOVER IT.” 

////

Charlie landed from the fire escape with only a slight stumble, and took off as fast as he could towards his and Frank’s apartment. How could he have fucked up the only relationship he’d ever cared about?

///

After Dennis finally left, Dee whipped around and ran into her bedroom, “Charlie?” she mock-whispered, “Charlie!” Her eyes whirled around the room until they landed on the carrier bag from the pharmacy. The pregnancy test lay in full view just inside it. “Oh shit he did a runner!” she gasped, running to the open window and glancing around wildly, “Oh Dammit Charlie!” she yelled.

“Oh dammit, Dee.” She whined, slowly lowering herself to the floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading and all the lovely comments i've had on this fic, I work super hard at trying to make this feel like an episode and hearing that I succeeded last time encouraged me to keep going for this one- please comment if you liked it, or leave kudos- and thanks again for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment/leave kudos if you liked it! this was my first fanfic for these two so i'd love to know if they're in character!


End file.
